Male allyship and activism against gender-based violence: creating space for listening and confronting the systems that serve us
Supporting gender justice as a male ally begins with recognizing simple and uncomfortable truths; the world is filled with oppressive systems, and I have benefitted from the oppression of others. These systems, political, economic and social are structured in ways that advantage men and boys by limiting, policing and punishing women, girls and gender-diverse persons.
Recognizing this is about accountability, responsibility and emancipation, including the self. Because gender inequality and inequity are built into our systems then I, as a man, an individual in a structured dominant position, have a particular obligation in dismantling it and ensuring that we collectively replace it with more just and equitable systems. For me, this obligation is a conscious commitment to stand for empowerment, equity and justice in every space at home, work and community.
For me, being a male ally starts with listening. Some of the most transformative moments in my journey have come from hearing women share about their daily challenges, acts of resistance and courage in face of these oppressive systems. I have had to learn that my work is not in creating the space for women to speak, but instead to create the space within myself to listen, for women and girls have always spoken. It is we who failed to listen.
I have had to learn to intentionally engage and listen, to understand that these stories are not ‘exceptions’, but are the intended and produced patterns of these systems of oppression, and that these stories do not villainize but instead express hurt, suffering and deep injustice. Instead of rushing to defend, explain or fix, I recognize truth in what is shared, and listen more to find out what support looks and feels like for them. It is not about speaking and apologizing but often about stepping back, giving and making space, instead of stifling to amplify their voice and, most importantly as a male ally, to challenge the men around me when we have failed to recognize the harm in our normalized and everyday sexisms and oppression of others, especially of women and girls.
Allyship, for me, must include speaking to and educating other men in my community and surrounding. We must recognize that our benefit is not passive but instead deeply active and complicit. It should not fall on marginalized persons to both suffer the injustice and educate their oppressors on it, and neither should it be their responsibility to think about how best to struggle and resist. If we are to speak about ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’, it should begin and end with the fact that ‘None should or need be oppressed’. As such, it is my responsibility to listen to other men and to speak to our masked sexism and oppression, recognizing the historic and continued exclusion that women and girls have faced, and to remind ourselves of this when we fear women-led spaces, change, or DEI policies, initiatives and focuses.
Similarly, it is important to respond to male-saviorism by reminding ourselves that it is a direct expression of masculine toxicity and patriarchy, and that one of the most effective ways we can truly protect and strengthen society is through consciously breaking away and resisting deficit thinking, especially as it relates to women and girls, as well as simultaneously dismantle systems of patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
Likewise, it is our responsibility to uncover the everyday shortcomings, insecurities and oppressions produced by male-dominant sectors and institutions, such as government, and to fracture constructed scarcity mindsets that imprison us to falsely conflated systems of dominance as security. Systems that are not representative and accessible to the whole cannot and will not respond holistically to the full spectrum of needs.
Being a male ally means recognizing the interconnected nature of our lives and the interconnectedness of systems of oppression. It means recognizing that justice is not punitive, but instead restorative, and that no violence against a living-being may be or is ever a justified means or end. It means recognizing that our own security and liberation is intertwined with that of all our sisters, brothers, and siblings. And in practice, this looks like practicing vulnerability and encouraging our men and boys to become sensitive to our collective vulnerability, and especially to the forced vulnerability of others, recognizing that we too are in need of liberation from these false systems of dominance – these systems of oppression.
As a male ally, I recognize the immeasurable and primordial capacities of women and girls, and gender-diverse persons, which we have restricted and failed to recognize. As a man, I also recognize my own capacities, as well as the capacities of other men and boys, and society at large, to do better, to live more equitably and to make intentional space and cognition for other’s suffering and vulnerability, especially as we continue to cope and struggle with our own forced insecurity and vulnerability. This means striving to be an imperfect but consistent ally who is willing to learn, willing to be corrected and determined to not turn away.
Finally, as a male ally, I recognize ‘gender justice’ and ‘women’s rights’ as an integral part of the collective struggle against exploitative capitalism, environmental degradation and extractivism, against racism and discrimination, against colonialism and imperialism, against apartheid and occupation and for equitable and just life. As a male ally, I recognize this struggle not as only women’s and girls’ but as my own and, in this, deeply recognize that WE WILL ALL BE FREE.
By Tarek Al-Zoughbi, Program Coordinator at Wi’am: The Palestinian Conflict Transformation Center
